Snake Head

Integrating with my self has surfaced intense feelings.

Anger at all the rejection happening in my life. 

Frustration for how uncomfortable I feel. 

I feel so uncertain & defeated. 

I had a dream last night where I watched myself cut of the head of a snake because I felt fear that this particular snake was in the process of attacking me.

I cut it off before I could find out. 

I woke up to sit with the heaviness in the truth that I chose to take a life due to the fear of possible pain.

I’ll never know if it was going to bite because I chose to kill it. 

I’ll be left with uncertainty until the moment I let it go.

Was it ever going to hurt me or did I just assume it’s intentions. 

This is where I am at war with my own intuition. 

I’ll never know what the snake was feeling so I’ll never truly know what the intent was.

I would only truly know if I asked the snake it’s intentions and even then, would I be able to trust the snake to speak truth?

The snake would have been a fool to have told its intent was to harm me for then I certainly would have killed it. Or maybe I would have proceeded to ask,

why?

We will never know because I chose to kill it because I feared the idea of pain and agony so much more than trying to understand it. 

Humans, we do that to one another.

Kill one another out of fear.

Rather than risking our safety in order to understand something in which we do not already know. 

We are so quick to respond.

I was so scared of being hurt by the snake I in turn decapitated it. 

Fear, take a life to secure safety. 

I watched as the snake died. 

Slowly. 

I woke up hating myself. 

How vile. 

For me to take power like that.

And feeling it with such intensity that I know for certain there is a part of me that felt relief because I knew I was safe once more and the threat was gone, in full. 

Overcoming fear through death, for protection of the self grants relief….. Peace. 

Is that why we have so much war?

For the desire to feel peace?

I respect my fear as it is showing me the truth that feels, fearful.

I cut off the head of a snake, and enjoyed it. 

At least a part of me did. 

A part of me hated every moment of the dream. 

I woke up angry at myself for having the effortless ability to take a life. 

A soul. 

Claim it for my own. 

I don’t believe that was my intention. 

My intention was to protect myself from pain.

I was scared to be hurt. 

I was scared to be hurt & alone. 

In pain & alone. 

I remember calling a past relationship in the dream. 

He told there was nothing he could do. 

I was so angry. 

At him.

At me. 

At the snake. 

At all of it. 

I felt helpless & scared. 

I felt I knew for certain I was going to get hurt.

Even though, in truth, I didn’t know. 

Anger and scared. 

Anger and fear. 

My mind looses a thought when it’s goes too deep. 

I feel as if I will have a draining sensation if I continue going deep into fear & anger. 

But what if I am wrong. 

What if I am meant to stay still and learn from anger & fear. 

I get a chance to learn from my dream that I am not meant to decapitate the snakes head. 

I am meant to ask the intention of the snake.

I am still not certain, so I choose to sit still and listen until I feel. 

What is the intention of the snake?

Who is the snake?

I feel as though I am fearful & angry at everyone in my life. 

I am hurting on the inside.

From another person not being able to help or do anything. 

I am so used to accepting that no one can help me. 

Because I feel it from the people I love.

And in turn I feel as though I can’t help them. 

I just assume I don’t have the skill set to help people with their problems. 

If I asked the snake why he was trying to hurt me,

I’d be creating space for him to speak his truth. 

Why was I scared to be hurt.

Conditional patterning.

Power of emotional assumption. 

I felt rushed….

God I felt so rushed, like a ticking time bomb of pain was going to go off. 

When we feel angry & fear,

ask what the intention of what the moment is trying to show us. 

Instead of running away.

Instead of killing. 

We can cultivate the courage to stand still to ask for the intention of the moment,

when proceeding into an experience that has fear entangled within it.