Light as a feather

I am in my feelings. 

As in my feelings as I could possibly be. 

I feel it all. 

Both balance as well as off balance. 

Love & hate. 

Sadness & joy. 

All of it.

All at once. 

Everything all at once. 

Quantum energy projecting me into the life I have manifested for over a year now.

Self made. 

Self sufficient. 

Self passionate.

Self. 

I can’t help but desire for him to be here across from me. 

Laughing. 

Loving. 

One another. 

As one. 

I hear a motorcycle and my mind thinks of him. 

I see footsteps and my mind immediately wishes it was him,

walking towards me.

To speak to me,

with kindness and compassion.

A part of me believes in my heart that we are not on that timeline.

We are on the timeline where he put me down to make his own self feel stronger.

Hurt people hurt people. 

That is the reality in which we live. 

Currently. 

God, I hope he can find some place in his heart to understand the pain his words caused my heart to feel.

Without me having to leave his life forever. 

I don't know. 

I know nothing. 

I accept that. 

What it is that I do, 

is feel. 

How I feel is romantic despair. 

3 pm on a wednesday drinking rose outside on a muggy day in austin texas type of despair. 

My sadness inspires my soul. 

In every way. 

I've been ashamed of my sadness,

when in reality, 

my sadness is the most beautiful part about my soul. 

She is the one who feels depth. 

The one that leaps into fear. 

The one who feels into art. 

My sadness is the masterpiece of my soul. 

I have, for so long, shut her out.

The last time she was here, 

I almost took my life. 

My soul's sadness is deep. 

One that showed me how to walk through hell. 

Slowly, with grace, 

as my Sadness whispered to me,

you are a queen. 

To not need much in life,

A good book. 

Great sex. 

An open mind & heart.

All wrapped up together as one.

Everything else is noise. 

When I hear noise I wish to hear the beauty of melody. 

Music. 

He was,

He is,

So talented. 

So talented it hurts my heart deeply just thinking about how we are on the timeline that I must let you go in order to feel more like myself. 

Him. 

as talented as he is, 

as much as he makes me feel, 

the shadows he project onto my heart outweigh the beauty that he gives.

At least with me.

To everyone else,

you give effortlessly.

Why is it with me, 

You hold back?

For fear of rejection. 

For fear of failure. 

For fear I may see right past you?

I see you for you.

So why do you choose to show me your shadows?

Is that truly how you feel about yourself?

I sit here,

With my heart open wide,

Broken from within, 

Asking my Self, 

Why do you punish me for loving you?

Is there a world in which you empower me for loving you?

Your mind games, 

Exhaust me. 

I do not wish to play anymore.

I just wish to love you. 

It causes me to suffer 

Thinking you won’t let me be. 

You wish to confuse every part of me,

Rather than just allowing me to give you love,

Freely. 

You call me entitled.

I’d rather call it confidence. 

You call me arrogant,

I’d rather call it certain. 

I write stories about you in my mind. 

Not knowing which one is true.

As if I see all realities, 

And then pull them together to form the manifestation of how I desire you to be.

When in truth, 

The reality of you,

Is unkind to me. 

The reality of you,

Makes me question myself.

The reality of you, 

Pains me. 

I am at the point, 

where I feel as if,

I feel to much 

about someone 

I barely know.

Then I remember I said 

I love you. 

I mean the words I say. 

Even if time defies them.

My words defy time.

Often times, 

my words have the power,

to defy reality. 

I hold truth into each moment I exist in. 

Holding space for truth is exhausting. 

I watch the cars pass by, 

Looking in the windows,

Hoping, wishing, one will be you. 

I love seeing you. 

How sick is that. 

My body completely adores you. 

My mind is exhausted by you.

My heart is angry at you. 

My soul is letting it all be. 

Help. 

I am a complicated girl, 

With a wounded heart. 

You are a complicated boy,

With a wounded heart. 

I still love you.

Even after all these emotions,

I still care so deeply about you.

Because I don’t know you. 

& I hope to, 

One day,

Understand. 

Even with the pain. 

To move through the pain.

Writing to you is always a challenge.

Opening my heart to you is something new I am working on. 

If you are not meant for me,

I understand. 

I accept what is.

I accept what is not. 

I do however, 

Feel you. 

I ask to speak with you, 

Knowing we are on the timeline of silence. 

I do hope my words break the silence, 

And allow for peace & harmony to seep in. 

I don’t know you.

You don’t know me.

We have feelings for one another,

And yet we don’t wish to voice our soul's truth.

Out of fear.

We’ve met before.

You and I. 

We are worthy of meeting again,

You and I. 

Each time,

I feel it is with shadows.

So let’s make it light. 

Let’s make it light as a feather.