Inner Child Journey - Part 1
The Inner Child Work
I am not going to lie to you - this journey has been my most difficult one yet.
I wrote a song a few months back called “Wonderland” where I wrote a line-
I am feeling lost like Alice in Wonderland.
A line that describes how I have been feeling ever since I arrived back living with my parents.
Growing up, living as an only child among two big personalities was no easy feat.
The hardest task/challenge/lesson was/is the ability to express the desires we have in our heart in a way that is clearly & kindly accepted by all parties involved.
From understanding the value of helping the home establish chores
To caring about what time I need to be home from life outings
All built to create a trusting relationship.
A loving relationship.
A family.
A Home.
I moved back in with my family to establish my own foundation to what I feel a family can be capable of when leading a life in love.
This mission is borderline impossible.
I’ve lost my sight.
I’ve lost my smell.
I’ve lost my touch.
The only part of me that remains true & powerful is my intuition and for that I am grateful.
My intuition are my feelings and trust me when I write this: I have a lot of feelings.
The feelings I have in my body are what guide me to the light.
They tell me to keep going
Even when I feel deeply lost in the pits of hell.
My Hell is shame & judgment.
My Hell is shadows & worry.
My Hell, growing up, as a child, was immersed with demons and nightmares.
As a child, I was sensitive to energy.
As an adult I give myself the freedom to understand what it means to be sensitive to energy.
I am still sensitive,
I am still delicate.
But as an adult I am also strong,
I am also capable of holding my own self up to heal.
Powerful.
Living with my parents, I fight my own inner demons every moment of every day.
Sending each fear,
Each memory,
Each moment
Light.
Living with my parents hasn't all been bad.
Frankly it’s providing my heart an epic play of duality.
Life happens here in austin.
Some of life gets heavy.
Some of life stays light.
It’s all meant for the mission.
To learn,
To experience,
To understand,
My own self.
Going on dates with men,
Going on dates with my dad,
Holding Divine Feminine space for my mother,
Learning to support the home,
Expressing the value of sitting still.
I come from a life that has always been on the move,
This is the first time I am choosing to sit still and learn from the chaos that moves all around me.
Learning from my parents,
Learning from my past.
Feeling into the moments.
All moments.
The hardest and most crucial insight for this journey is to let my own self remain lost for as long as it takes for the inner child to heal.
I am lost with her.
I am brave because of her.
I no longer run from moments of heaviness because I realize that those moments of pain, grief, longingness, emptiness, are all moments my own inner child suffered through growing up.
Growing up.
Growing up is one of the hardest things for adults to do.
Ironic.
Explain to me why so many “grown” adults who try to control everyone around them don’t understand why they wish to control everyone.
look inwards.
Give it time,
Give it love.
Growing takes strength.
Growth takes cultivation.
Growth takes time.
That is what I keep hearing my own self say out loud.
I feel stuck.
I feel free.
I feel lost.
I feel peace.
My inner child is broken on the inside and hurting on the outside.
In my time growing up, I spent my time playing more than one role.
We all do.
Here are a few roles that crossed my mind:
The Bully
The Bullied
The mediator
The judger
The judged
The outsider
The insider
The floater
The one who is loved
The one who is hated
The new kid
The old soul
The teacher's favorite
The teacher’s distraction
The teacher
The student
The athlete
The poet
The protagonist
The antagonist
The side character
The funny one
The friend
The lover
The wife
The divorcee
The sloppy one
The responsible one
The lost one
The failure
The free spirit
The kindred soul.
I could go on and on about the roles we play in life.
Going back to your past with intention brings all roles out to play
To learn.
To observe.
To experience once again.
The inner child journey.
A journey to bring light.
A journey to bring love.
A journey to bring peace.
To the heart space.
My greatest tip that has kept me afloat during this time of change and transition -
Before you move back in with your family,
Establish a pattern of healthy habits and lean into those feelings those habits provide your heart & soul.
It’s okay to lose yourself.
You’ll find yourself once more
On the path of the feelings you cultivated through healthy habits.
Do I do everything I once did?
No.
Instead I have a baseline for activities & peaceful moments full of self love that I go towards when the world feels dark.
That my friends is the path that is guiding me back to the self.
My self.
The path of self love & self light.
