Distracted by Desire
Let me begin by writing, Distraction is not a bad thing.
It simply is a state of mind.
You are on my mind today.
Walking in the heat of Texas summers.
I see people and think of you.
Knowing deep down you don’t think of me,
hurts as if I am being branded in truth.
Someone else is on that mind of yours.
Distracted by the desire of wanting what it is we don’t have.
The irony is I am no better than you.
Pining over wishing for you to want me.
How sick is that?
To desire what we don't have.
It’s challenging for me to let go of the idea that you spoke to me with words of poetry because I remind you of her.
Maybe it was intentional, maybe it wasn't, but either way I led you straight to a heart that wasn’t my own.
Call me a vessel of love.
Part of me knows I need to detach from needing anyone because I lead people as to where they need to go.
I desire you because you don’t want me.
That is what this whole thing is about.
Rejection.
At the beginning of all of this
I knew you.
I knew you were not who I wished to be with.
But then I made the decision to let alcohol get the best of me and I ventured into the shadows with you.
I dug my grave and hopped in know the choices I made were not in my best interest, but at the time I was so attracted to you
so I said “fuck it, why not. I learn the lesson and move on.”
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
I now find myself suffering at the idea of you.
The pain & agony of you not wanting me weighs my heart down.
I spread my wings with all of my strength to let you go.
The idea of you. Go.
If you needed me, you’d be in my life.
But you are not.
It can be as simple as that.
A painful heartbreak can come from the most simple realizations.
You are not here.
Because you don’t wish to be.
You wish to be elsewhere.
California perhaps.
In the arms of someone who most likely doesn't want all of you.
Only parts of you.
A vicious cycle of desiring the things that do not want us in return.
How do we break through?
How do we let this go?
Our universe is weird & twisted
in the sense that this feeling happens
often.
Oftentimes, those I reject, desires me.
Oftentimes, those who rejects me, I desire.
How polar.
Why can’t we just be grateful for what we do have, instead of always wanting something, someone else.
My heart is like a crater of depth,
The farther you fall,
The more you see.
Gems,
Layers,
Lava,
Broken rocks,
Stagnation,
Sedimentation,
Erosion,
Cracks.
Everything.
Traveling into my heart can oftentimes feel painful & pleasurable all at once.
I wish to kiss the lips of the man who looks at me with intention.
Writing from the heart feels like a rocketship taking flight.
So. Much. Force.
So. Much. Propulsion.
I just want to scream.
Fly.
Take off.
I feel as though I am both the core of the universe and the cosmos in the sky.
Being pulled in two different directions.
Being stretched.
Growth.
Seeding while flying.
Being alone with my heart feels selfish.
Beautifully complicated.
Powerful, like the moon, pulling at heartstrings & tides.
Love is presenting me with a healthy portal.
So I choose, consciously, to accept the quest to release the toxic energies which
cloud my mind,
cloud my judgment,
cloud my perception.
Whatever it takes to release it - I'll do it.
Even if that means having my ego die over and over and over.
Because I too wish to be a portal into healthy love.
And so often men fallen in attempt to hold me.
Because they are too tired from holding onto toxic patterns and thoughts.
I become a woman of their past.
A mirror of their own shadows.
What you see of me is a reflection of who you are.
I do not wish to see blindly through shadows.
I wish to see both light & dark.
Rainbows & Shadows.
Colors & Shades.
I find myself, often, in a continuous state of
waiting to see what it meant for me.
I am tired of waiting, instead, I wish to enjoy
what it is I do right now at this moment.
Acceptance of what is.
This year my heart has broken more times than I could ever possibly imagine.
Call it the year of heart openings.
I keep telling myself, I am only human.
But part of me desires to understand why we as humans must endure so much pain before we learn the lessons
and even then,
will we ever really learn the lesson?
I am looking at the lessons I have learned
and I ask myself -
would I go back to the darkness if he stood at the doorway of my heart?
My truth makes me want to flip a table.
Because the answer is, yes.
Even when he treats himself like shit.
Even when he treats the world around him like shit.
I still see the good in his heart.
Does that make me a fool or an empath?
Does that make me a hopeless romantic or someone who sits in truth when facing darkness.
“You don’t get it.”
“You don't understand.”
I do, though,
I understand how complicated we are as human hearts.
There is nothing wrong with you for loving someone who does not see you for you.
It hurts, yes, but there is nothing wrong with you.
Would I let him into my heart to breathe in peace, joy & compassion fully knowing he is not meant to stay for long? Yes.
My heart is open to receive love.
Even when that love comes with shadows & darkness.
life is filled with shadows & darkness.
We can’t avoid it.
We must simply integrate within it.
As to not let it take our hearts with them as they leave.
A simple,
Let them in.
Let them be.
Let them go.
There is nothing wrong with him
for loving someone who doesn't love him back.
He is, just like me.
An open heart, experiencing it all.
Doing our best to move in flow through the life in which we live.
The human heart is so complicated.
It’s my mission to make peace with how I am feeling
& I swear on my heart, I feel him.
Like a trippy matrix dream, I see him.
I feel alone in this dream. As the observer.
I do know it’s meant for me to explore.
For me to understand.
I find I oftentimes tell myself, stop trying to learn about how to speak the right now and instead follow your heart.
The beat will guide you to where you need to go.
With love,
Elizabeth
