A birthday monolog

Today is my 29th birthday.

I woke up feeling lonely. 

Peacefully alONE.

In actuality, this year, my birthday feels like a deep one within conscious awareness. Bringing out an a wide array of emotion to sit and learn from.

I have found that,

as much as I love to share myself with the world,

the process can be a lot,

because with honesty,

my body & mind feel deeply

when I share moments sourced from my heart.

For this poem, I must express that I go deep within my emotions, to include the resurfacing & observations around the feelings connected with suicide.

If your heart is sensitive to the subject, please advise.

Know that you are loved.

Know that the dark days only last for so long.

Know that the better days are always on their way.

XXXX

In truth, the need to experience waking up beside someone on my birthday is a feeling I have yet to become fully accustomed to.

Letting go of the idea that I need to be with someone

in order to feel my best

is a process I find often & struggle with. 

In truth, as a child I was given everything I thought I wanted on my birthday.

A child who learned to feel everything & nothing all in a matter of moment.

Being an “only child” on a birthday

was a sight to see.

All eyes on the birthday girl.

All the attention goes directly to her.

Being an only child created an intense amount of attention to experience all to be brought to a halt once the moment was done.

Once the moment was done, I was alone.

An abundance of attention turned to deep loneliness in a matter of moments given on a birthday.

Whether it was gifts, communication, or attention, it was ingrained in my own mind that on my birthday I received everything I wanted,

which unfortunately created an addiction and behavior pattern for me to expect to receive what I wanted rather than receiving what I needed.

My desires compromised my ability to understand my needs.

Stemmed from not knowing what I truly wanted or how to communicate it.

I felt the desire to want.

I felt the desire to be seen.

I felt the desire to be heard.

I felt the desire to be understood.

I was a child who desired to have her needs be received with open loving arms

but failed to understand why.

Call it overstimulation of desires.

When those desires fall out of balance,

each one opens a portal to addiction which lead me to fall subconsciously into toxic behavior patterns.

I loved the gifts, but deeper,

I loved the moments the gifts created.

I loved the communication, but deeper,

I loved the moments the communication created.

I loved the attention, but deeper,

I loved the moments the attention created.

I felt seen.

I felt heard.

I felt understood.

Then the day would be over.

And darkness would reappear.

I would be alone.

Being an only child, I would be alone, often.

Being alone after a high dose of overstimulation was agony.

I would be alone with the energy of what I loved so much but did not last for more than a day.

As an adult I practice mindfulness, meditation & yoga to cultivate ongoing balance within my life so the loneliness is less agonizing and more peaceful.

Through the practice of mindfulness I have learned to understand that the need to receive everything I want is a craving and desire stemmed from ego.

An unhealthy attachment on the need for abundance, attention and love to be

on me.

I have since found that the root of this awareness is sourced from

my fear of being irrelevant & my fear of being lonely.

Two fears I have learned from

and will continue to integrate with

until I feel at peace when feeling irrelevant & lonely. 

A funny little tidbit about fear is

we can give fear permission to be as it is

and accept the fear for how it makes us feel,

even when the fear itself

is not entirely true. 

Example -

We may feel lonely when waking up alone in morning, but we are not alone in life. 

Our fears of feeling lonely are valid, but we are not alone in life.

We may sometimes feel irrelevant, but we are not irrelevant within process of life. 

Our fear of feeling irrelevant are valid, but that does not make our souls unimportant.

We can choose to matter through the fear.

We matter. 

You matter. 

I matter.

We are created with matter,

we are made to matter.

Sometimes we understand our purpose in life, sometimes we don’t.

Sometimes we feel connected. Sometimes we don’t.

Sometimes we feel relevant. Sometimes we don’t.

Sometimes connected & sometimes lonely.

Sometimes relevant & sometimes irrelevant.

Both sides of awareness contain wisdom.

Both experiences have feelings imbedded within them.

In life, we go through experiences with the opportunity to feel

both sides

of a spectrum.

So for today, we integrate with all.

With all sides. 

My soul loves the idea of a celebration,

but with a newer mindset. 

Instead of having this day be a day soley be about me.

I share this day with the earth.

I share this day with spirit. 

I share this day with wisdom.

I share this day with you.

Even when letting you in, terrifies my ego.

I choose to share this day with the energy around me as I let go of conditions and expectations tied to the concept of my birthday. 

Last year, on this day, I came into the awareness focused on the choice of taking my life. 

With truth, in that moment, I didn't wish to experience another birthday coming into fruition, feeling the way I did.